I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
