He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
