Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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