Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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