I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
