boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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