"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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