He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
