i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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