He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
