Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
