Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
