I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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