this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't deserve a penis
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
