I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
