I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
a search helicopter?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
