Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
