well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
