last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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