god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
