I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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