No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
