I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
