they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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