it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
