This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
