Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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