I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
