We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
