Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
