So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
