I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
