You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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