I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
