My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
