just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Blood and glitter go together right?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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