the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
