we have pet lesbian snakes
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
