Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
