Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
