I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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