They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
ttyl tear gas
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
