Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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