Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
