My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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