I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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