So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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