I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
