Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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