just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
