She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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