if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
