it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
BRING THE BAGELS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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