my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
