My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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