forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
