new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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