The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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