I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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